Laurel did not expect to ever move back to Hawaii, and she certainly did not anticipate becoming a care partner to her parents, especially while dealing with health issues of her own. “It’s really like a cannonball into the pool. You think you’re kind of just slipping in, but watch and see what happens. It’s a cannonball.” 

Laurel’s relationship with her parents has always been a complicated one. Her biological father was not in her life and “wasn’t a great man.” Growing up, Laurel lived with her mom in Hawaii. Laurel didn’t love it there and always planned to leave one day. Her mom was working in real estate when she met the man who would become Laurel’s dad. He had just retired from the military. They began dating when Laurel was five, started a real estate business together, and got married when Laurel was ten.

“He adopted me when I was 19. He was very loving and outgoing and protective, a great second husband [and a] great dad. But he and I didn’t have a [perfect] relationship. [My parents] rubbed me the wrong way and I rubbed them the wrong way. And they were alcoholics. I didn’t know that until I was 20. I didn’t put the pieces together [until then] … The whole situation wasn’t a positive one … My dad was a great person and dad, but my mom started drinking with him more and more and then I would get in trouble for [things] that I didn’t do.”

Laurel was also coping with epilepsy. “I was 13 and I had a couple of seizures. They thought it was just pediatric … We managed it with medication.” But then, in adulthood, the seizures returned, and Laurel was forced to periodically take time off from her life and to put her career on hold again and again. After a successful career as a legal secretary, Laurel started community college at 38 before being recruited by Columbia to get her Bachelor’s degree. She then went on to earn a master’s degree at NYU Wagner Graduate School of Public Service. “[My education] kind of got dragged out because of a brain surgery [related to my epilepsy]. So I was in [school] for a total of ten years.”

Nearly 50, Laurel was in the process of interviewing for dream jobs, including an international affairs position at the United Nations that she felt would be a perfect fit. This was what she had worked for. And she would get to stay in New York. “I loved everything about being [in New York].”

At this time, Laurel and her mom still spoke on the phone regularly. This was the primary way that Laurel maintained a relationship with her. In fact, Laurel says, “I could talk to her about pretty much everything.” But “you can have one kind of relationship on the phone and then, in person, it’s a different thing.” Being around her parents was too difficult. “I would come out and visit every couple of years and I’d see this intense alcoholism … I decided at some point on my [trip to Hawaii] in 2014 that I was never going back … I knew I’d never go back again.”

But then five years ago, when Laurel was 50 and hoping to begin a new job, she received a call from her dad. He reported that her mom could use some help around the house because she was having some medical issues. He asked her to come out “maybe in the next day or two.” 

And then he called her back about ten minutes later to have the exact same conversation. “That’s weird,” Laurel thought. When her mom called an hour later, Laurel asked if she knew her dad had called her. Her mom knew. “He worries about me,” her mom offered. 

Laurel’s mom was navigating multiple health conditions, including heart failure, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), cancer, arthritis, and more. But she was also increasingly providing care for Laurel’s dad. Given the concerns he expressed to Laurel and given the repetitive nature of his questions, something didn’t seem right. Laurel didn’t want to, but she felt she had to pay her parents a visit.

When she arrived in Hawaii, the usually pristine house was a mess. Her mom was sick and struggling to care for herself and her husband. Laurel noticed that her mom, despite having a myriad of health issues, wasn’t taking her pills. “No wonder she’s so sick … I thought, ‘They can’t do this alone.’” Laurel’s mom couldn’t take care of herself, the house, the finances, and her husband, who was going blind and whose apparent memory lapses and confusion were becoming increasingly regular occurrences. While she was visiting, Laurel and her dad kept having the same conversations again and again. “I said, ‘Mom, dad is really forgetful,’ [and mom responded], ‘Oh, I know. That’s okay, he’s 90.’”

So Laurel made the decision to move back to Hawaii to a home very near her parents so that she could provide care to her mom and so that she and her mom, together, could care for Laurel’s dad. “I had vowed to myself that I’d never do it … I did not want to leave [New York] and I didn’t want to live here, but who else is going to take care of them? Who else is going to drive to the store when mom shouldn’t be driving right now [because] she’s going to get infusions that make her really tired every day for a month and she’s not asking for help?”

Laurel’s dad eventually received the diagnosis of dementia. “His diagnosis came late.” Laurel stated that she suspects that if she had been there to advocate and talk to doctors about the changes he was experiencing, he could have received the diagnosis as many as ten years prior, given the symptoms he was displaying that she now realizes were related to dementia. 

“The doctor could only do so much. She could refer out to this doctor and that doctor, but mom and dad would cancel …[My mom would say] ‘We just decided not to go. It’s a hassle. We don’t really need it.’” That was part of the reason that the dementia diagnosis was so delayed.

Part of Laurel’s job as a caregiver to her parents is to make sure they keep their appointments and get to them safely. She is also their medication manager, their healthcare benefits coordinator, and more. Because her dad is retired from the military, he has access to health benefits through the VA. Navigating the VA’s health system on his behalf has been a significant undertaking. “These big organizations [are] crazy. You’ve got the VA legal and the VA medical and the military hospital system. And then you have civilian outside specialists. And they don’t all necessarily work well together. You have to have a person sort of go between them who can pull all these pieces together.”

Laurel has learned to expect the unexpected. But it is not easy. Nine months after Laurel moved back to Hawaii, her mom broke her ankle. “[Mom] was out of the house for two months [in rehab for her ankle]. That was me kind of being thrown into the fire of how to take care of someone with dementia.”

But there were silver linings. First, Laurel learned how to communicate with her dad in new ways, finding that if she could pick out even just one word that he said, she could ask follow-up questions and promote conversation around it. Second, during her mom’s rehabilitation for her ankle, both of Laurel’s parents stopped drinking. Her mom quit, and Laurel switched out her dad’s usual beers for non-alcoholic ones

While all these events transpired, Laurel’s epilepsy continued to impact her own health. She required more intensive treatment, including radiation.

“Every day something changes,” Laurel shares. “I wait for the next thing to happen.” Due to frequent changes in everyone’s health, including her mom’s multiple treatments, Laurel’s own recent radiation, and the progression of her dad’s dementia, “it just feels like waiting for [the other shoe] to drop, and I hate that feeling … It doesn’t help my epilepsy either because I lose sleep and then I’m more likely to have seizures … My brain hurts at the end of the day.” 

Laurel is now on permanent disability, but initially, when she moved to Hawaii, “I took a Starbucks job so I could get insurance, and I like coffee … [But it was] not possible … Because of the combination of caregiving, getting enough sleep, and taking care of [my epilepsy]. ”

She schedules all her own doctor’s appointments far out enough that she can be sure her parents will be taken care of. And she does her best, but often finds it nearly impossible “to squeeze [myself] in.”

However, Laurel is quick to point out that “Everybody has a thing. I’ve seen so many people with regular migraines or back problems or joint issues or diabetes … Trying to [care] for themselves, their kids, their husband and all their family members.”

Laurel is keenly aware that she is a part of a global community of caregivers who are navigating dementia and other conditions together. In the midst of her caregiving role, Laurel turned to Instagram for community. She credits the friends she has made through social media with helping her to understand her role as a caregiver and making her feel seen and supported.

“I watch [millennial caregivers on Instagram] and I really resonate with that … You’re right at the beginning [of your career] … And is it going to be gone forever? By the time I’m 60, will I still get to go apply for a job at the UN?”

But Laurel is steadfast in her decision to be a care partner to her parents. She says again and again that she doesn’t know exactly why she is doing it, but given the lack of options for her parents, she feels she doesn’t have a choice. Laurel doesn’t know how much longer she’ll be in Hawaii and hopes to land back in New York one day. As one of the many connections she has made via social media, I sincerely hope to grab a coffee here with her when she does.

Addendum: Since this interview was conducted, Laurel reports that her relationship with her mom has become just as loving and supportive in person as it was over the phone for so many years. They are more connected than ever, laughing, discussing soap operas, and supporting each other through the experience as care partners. And in fact, as Laurel was emailing me to approve this piece, her mom was baking banana bread and offering her daughter a piece.